Early experience of suicide
When I was 13, a relative took his own life. I was too young then to appreciate the full impact of losing someone in this manner. Sadly, I now know too many friends and colleagues who have been affected by bereavement due to suicide.
Suicide is very often a tragic waste of a life. It is different to a loss where someone is ill or dies due to circumstances such as an accident. The individual has chosen to take their own life. The loved ones grieving for that individual can face an even more complex response to grief than those of us who lose people because of reasons such as ill health.
Emotional responses to suicide
Firstly, there is often massive guilt associated with the loss, a feeling in those left behind that the suicide could have been prevented if only they had done x, y or z. Then there is the shame and stigma associated with suicide – what other people might think. When we hear news about a suicide I think it is natural to wonder whether anything could have been done to prevent it. It’s unfortunately human instinct to wonder this, but that places an enormous burden on those who hadn’t been able to stop a loved one taking their life, and who may not even have been aware of the depth of the person’s unhappiness. The person may not have even been depressed, they may have taken their life under the influence of drugs or alcohol or accidentally over dosed on prescription medicine.
Thirdly, there is anger. Part of the grieving cycle in many instances, the anger directed at the individual for deliberately hurting us can be immensely destructive.
The bereaved person, in this instance, is likely to end up feeling even more isolated than those of us in different bereavement circumstances, as most of us really don’t know what to say to a person who tells us news of a loss by suicide. I read a Twitter feed written by a young woman who was so upset that people wouldn’t talk to her after her mother died by suicide. This individual faced a devastating double loss: both her mother and her support through her wider community.
Not knowing what to say
I recall quite vividly hearing of two suicides in one day. I was travelling to London for a conference and on the way there I phoned a member of my team who had just heard that another colleague’s partner had killed himself. This had a big impact on me; even though I didn’t know the partner I was struck by the awfulness of the situation. I even contemplated not going to the conference.
Later that day whilst networking at the event, I was mingling with the delegates when I saw a colleague who, when asked how she was, replied ‘well my daughter has committed suicide’. I was so shocked by this and the fact that she was even at the conference, that I really didn’t know what to say. Fortunately, I did manage to say something appropriate along the lines of how sorry I was and how terrible it was that her daughter had taken her own life.
Neither of the bereaved colleagues was close to me, but I felt so much of their pain that it really did affect me that day. Both people who died had been so young. I can only imagine the intensity of the bereavement process for those whose loved ones die through suicide. It is heartening to see that there a good number of organisations out there providing support to those affected by a loss in this manner. As a line- or HR manager, it is worth acquainting yourself with some of the more commonly known organisations, such as Survivors of Bereavement by Suicide. Have details of those organisations, along with others such as The Samaritans, on your Intranet or other internal communications system, for people that may need them.